Do we tell our daughter?

The following articles have been reproduced with the kind permission of Rose's Repartee Magazine and Rose's Forum, which has a growing membership of real-girls, the genetic female partners, friends, and in some cases daughters of, the T-girls members. As the following contributions demonstrate, all of us are at different places and levels of acceptance and coping, but we all have one thing in common; that we all support the rights, and freedoms of the trans-community and the girls we are involved with individually.

The Tranny's story by Nicola

As a transvestite form an early age, I was used to keeping certain activities secret. That's the way things had always been, be one of the lads, don't let anything slip, and in this I succeeded. Where I did make mistakes was in my home life, I could not bring myself to tell my girlfriend about my feminine side, this was my secret and my fear. My girlfriend had even once said that I, "was the most masculine person she knew," in my behaviour not my physical form!

But one afternoon it all went wrong when my now pregnant girlfriend came home early and caught me dressed. What could I say? We spoke very little about it and I told my girlfriend just enough to calm her nerves and fears.

We never talked about it again for thirteen years, now married with a teenage daughter and more accepting about myself and who and what I was. It was the internet that brought it home to me that I was not alone, I always knew there were others like me, but the number of TVs astounded me.

It was hard to tell my wife all my secrets, even though she had known about me for the last thirteen years; she didn't know all the details. All the childhood memories and all those hopes and fears; it took me two days to tell her all the things on my mind and little things kept coming into my head for weeks afterwards.

As time went on we started going out to TG friendly pubs and clubs in London, Leeds, Nottingham, Manchester and Sheffield. We made quite a few new friends, who took us to other pubs and clubs and we became regulars going out every weekend here and there.

Whilst driving along one night on our way to Les Femmes in Sheffield we talked about telling our daughter about me being a transvestite. Was she old or wise enough to understand? She was thirteen at the time and we wondered if she would accept the fact that her dad wore women's clothes. In the end we decided not to tell her, as this was not the right time, if there ever was going to be a right time?

We still went out on a regular basis, but we had to hide everything from our daughter. We are a close family, who share things with each other, so it was hard not to tell the truth, (don't get me wrong, I had become very good at not telling the truth over the years!)

About a year later we had the same discussion again about telling our daughter, but this time we decided that we should tell her. So now it was just a matter of timing, we didn't want to tell her and upset any schooling or exams that were coming up. It was either tell her now or wait until after her exams were over, which could be a few years and then college, university?

One night whilst I was busy doing something on the computer my daughter and wife were chatting in the other room. Then they went upstairs and a little while later my wife came down and said she had told her. I had thought we were going to do it together but my wife had decided it would be better coming from her. I asked what my daughter had said? My wife said she was crying but she was OK, she just needed a little time alone, obviously I felt awful.

About five minutes later, my daughter came downstairs and gave me a big hug. With tears in her eyes she told me she loved me and she was sorry for calling me 'a girl', (something she did for a little bit of fun when I was acting camp around the house). It seamed as though she was OK with it and had taken it in her stride, as we thought she would. She must have had a million questions in her head, but now was not the right time to ask them.

As the days and weeks past she wanted to know more and more, as I knew she would! I told her about my past and my childhood, how it had been difficult to keep things hidden and that I didn't want to hide it from her but I didn't want to hurt her by telling her.

The last couple of years she has been great with things, she has matured beyond her years, I just hope we did not take her childhood away from her by telling her. I have become the target for many jokes around the house regarding make-up, perfume and shoes and regularly get called 'Imelda' after Imelda Marcos, the woman with all the shoes, though I don't think I have that many!

Nicola

Published in Rose's Repartee Magazine No 49, Summer 2005. © 2005 Rose's Repartee Magazine

The Wife's story by Sandi

The Wife's story by Sandi One day in 1988, while I was pregnant with our child, I came home early from a family gathering to find my partner locked in the bathroom. He would not come out! I thought all sorts of things, the main one being has he got a woman in there? I refused to leave the bathroom door until he came out, and eventually he did and he was dressed in female clothes. I was extremely shocked as I had no idea of any of this going on within our relationship. I/we cried, talked, and I asked if he was gay?! My biggest fear was that our child may come home one day and find her dad dressed the way I did! Anyway I pushed it to the back of my mind for thirteen or so years.

Sometime later we got a computer with internet access which he was always using. I would ask what he was doing and he would reply, "I'm in a chat room!"

As time went by we started to talk for hours on end about his cross-dressing. About his feelings, my feelings, and how many others were out there doing the same. I started to take more of an interest and when my partner said he was going to buy a wig I said that I would go with him. I was very nervous and I waited around the shop whilst he tried them on and bought one. The shopkeeper was very good; she was calming, reassuring and discreet. She said she has lots of men in to buy wigs, which made me feel a lot better. We then went shopping and bought shoes, make-up, clothes and handbags. We had a lovely time; I was shopping with my best friend that I loved so very much. Yet I still wasn't ready to see him dressed!

Later I started to talk in chat rooms on the internet too, I made two very special TV friends, Stella and Charly, who helped me with lots of fears and queries.

One day I rang home to say I was coming home early from work, he said he was dressed, but I asked him to stay dressed. I was embarrassed at first and I did not dare look. It was very strange; I just kept looking in stages, each stage being a little longer than the one before until I got used to it, or should I say him/her? Sometime later he said he wanted to go out, which I agreed to after some consideration. I was still very nervous about this, but he wanted to express himself and enjoy it.

One night while he was out with one of our TV friends, Stella, who I had spoken to on-line, I arranged a night out with Charley. I was chatting to her on-line and we arranged a night that the four of us could go out together: Stella, Charley, Nicola (my husband) and myself. It was the perfect time as our daughter was away for the week on a trip. We got ready to go to meet them, but I was very nervous, I was worried for our safety and worried about being recognised. In the end we had a great night chatting to our friends and just meeting each other face-to-face was great too. I just could not believe how many other people were dressing. After a few more times of going out, I thought about how I had pushed this to the back of my mind for so long and that there was really no need to hide this from myself. It was great for my partner to express himself and his feelings in such a way. We became a lot closer both as friends and as husband and wife.

We have been out and about for a few years now and my knowledge and acceptance has increased. We have met loads of people and made lots of friends. After a few conversations with other TV couples, over children knowing, it got me thinking about telling our daughter. We decided against it first off, thinking she was not ready but a year later we decided she was. She seemed more mature and we were not comfortable lying about where we were going and who we were meeting.

One night Rosie (our daughter) and I were watching the telly whilst my husband was on the computer. I asked her if she knew what a 'TV' was and she said "no," so I explained to her the best I could. She asked why I was telling her all this and that was the point I told her about her father dressing. She was very shocked and upset so we went to her room where I could explain that it did not alter the fact that he was still her dad, still a man, her dad, and that he still loved her, very much. We chatted about how she had called him 'a girl' in jest and was it her fault? And I explained that it was something that her dad had done since being very young, it was not something you can make go away and it made him feel good when dressed. She also asked if he was gay. She then wanted be left alone for a while, which I did and went to talk to my Husband (Nicola). He/she was amused that I had told her but also quite worried, I checked on Rosie and she said she did not want to see him dressed, but went downstairs and gave him a hug and she said sorry for calling him a girl.

The next weekend we got ready to go out and Rosie was in her room, but as we left the house I saw her peeping through her bedroom window. This warmed my heart a little because she was more interested than she was letting on, she rang me later on that night to say she had seen him dresses and was OK with it. The next thing I knew they were trying on wigs together, looking at different outfits and trying on shoes (because they are the same size). Then the day came when Rosie wanted to come out with us and meet other TV couples, she wanted to be part of our world! So we took her out to Nottingham Chameleons and Downtown at Wakefield, after meeting some very nice people she wanted to go out more often.

We are all very close and loving, its great doing it together, no more lies or secrets, we just enjoy ourselves all together as a family.

Sandi

Published in Rose's Repartee Magazine No 49, Summer 2005. © 2005 Rose's Repartee Magazine

The daughter's story by Rosie

I first found out about my dads' dressing habits when I was 14. My parents and I have a very close relationship, we don't have many secrets, (well that's what I thought before I found out about my dad).

I love my parents, but I always seemed to get on better with my mum. She's the one that told me about my dad dressing.

The first time I saw my dad 'dressed' was a year before that in a photo on the computer. I asked "who's that? Does dad know her?" A bit ironic really to say it was my dad and he obviously knew her!

I first found out by my mum asking me if I knew what a transvestite was? I didn't know, and didn't understand why she was talking to me about this. She then explained what a transvestite was and I first thought that was cool, I asked if they knew any and if they were coming to the house? Mum explained everything at this point and asked how I would react and how I would feel if dad was one? I asked if he was and mum told me the truth. And that's when I cried, I was not upset at all, I was just I bit shocked, OK maybe a lot shocked.

I cried, but not because of him, because of me, I always used to joke that he was wearing make-up, although he never was. I was really upset and didn't want to see him, I went to my room and after a while I came downstairs and just gave him a hug and said sorry for always joking with him. I was shocked but now I think it's great. Sometimes I wonder why I cried, because there was no need, he's still my dad and I still love him the same, and if not the same, more.

Although I have known for a while I will never understand what makes my dad do it and I would never hold it against him in any situation. I know that this is something he enjoys and I would never tell my dad to stop dressing, no matter what happened, my dad just wouldn't be as much fun to be around if me and my mum couldn't joke about him behind his back, or even to his face, my dad wouldn't be whole without Nicola!

I have been out many times with Nicola (my dad) and Sandi (my mum); I think they rock, both of them! When I first went out to Chameleons in Nottingham, I shouted "dad!" and everyone laughed, but I just replied "was I meant to call him Nicola? He's still my dad!" This confused me but now I just shout whatever comes into my head first.

I have been to Transmission in London, Downtown in Wakefield, Chameleons in Nottingham, Les Femmes in Sheffield and even around the village in Manchester. I mean, I must have the coolest parents ever, what other friends can borrow their dad's dresses and shoes, hand bags, or even hair if they get fed up with their own? And I wonder how many of my friends parents have took their kids into cool clubs? I have met some really cool people and have just joined Rose's Forum so that I can talk to other people my age, and in the same situation as me. I really enjoy talking to people on the website and I know I can trust them because there are moderators there to make sure nothing is said out of place. And the best time I have had is when I went to Scarborough for the Harmony Weekend. I met lots of people like my dad.

I now know why they were going away and leaving me with family members, I asked if I could go, who wouldn't? I'm at an age where I want to spend more time with Nicola and Sandi together.

Now I know about my dad dressing, we have become a lot closer. Most of the time all we do is joke about it. And I know this is a huge secret, but I know there are people who you can talk to.

Rosie

Published in Rose's Repartee Magazine No 49, Summer 2005. © 2005 Rose's Repartee Magazine