How do I introduce the woman in my life to the woman in me?  Most crossdressers are faced with this situation at some point in their lives, and most feel understandably anxious about it.  We have all heard the horror stories of wives and girlfriends leaving and families being torn apart.  But the truth is, few relationships end because of crossdressing.  Couples can, and do, come to an understanding that both partners can live with.  Telling your significant other about this part of you may be the hardest thing you will ever do, but what is the alternative?  Living a life of deceit?  Trying to suppress your needs and deny who you are?  Accepting the risk that she will find out by accident?  It is much better to tell the woman you love about your crossdressing than to keep it a secret.  By telling her yourself, honestly and openly, you greatly increase the chance of finding acceptance.

Some crossdressers would rather not have "the talk" with their wife or girlfriend.  They want to know if they can broach the subject in a lighter way instead, by dropping hints or making jokes.  Or they wonder if perhaps they should leave some evidence lying around to be found.  The answer to both of these questions is NO.  Your partner's reaction to hints and casual references will tell you very little about her true feelings, and an unexpected discovery will almost certainly result in confusion and misunderstandings.  The best way to handle this potentially volatile subject is to have a conversation about it.  Tell your partner that you have something important to discuss with her, and that you need to schedule some uninterrupted time to talk.  If possible, choose an occasion when she is not under excessive stress and when other things in your relationship and your life are going well. When you sit down with her, do it in your normal male clothes and don't bring pictures or outfits to show her.  There will be time for that later, if all goes well.

It is very important that you prepare for this conversation.  Before you come out to your partner, you need to do your homework.  Read all you can about crossdressing and gender issues, and give some serious thought to your own crossdressing and what it means to you.  You may even want to make some notes that you can refer to during your talk.  Your partner is going to have a lot of questions for you, and you should be ready to answer them.  This will be easier if you have first learned to accept yourself as a crossdresser and are comfortable discussing your feelings and desires.  If you are embarrassed to talk about this, how can you hope to make her comfortable with it? Joining a transgender social group or online discussion forum and talking with other crossdressers may help you get over your shyness and can be good practice.

What you say to her is up to you, but you should be honest and answer her questions as best you can.  Let her direct the conversation if possible.  Don't overload her with new information until she has absorbed what you have already told her.  She is not your therapist or your priest, and your goal should not be to unburden yourself, but to help her understand you. Above all, listen to her!  Most problems that arise over your crossdressing will be due to the beliefs and assumptions she holds about it and the fears she has.  The more you learn about those, the better you will be able to assist her in overcoming them.  You should also assemble some educational materials for her in the form of web links, articles, and books. Do not force them on her, but make them available if she is willing to look at them. 

What should you expect when you tell her?  No two women will react in exactly the same way, but it is very common for wife or girlfriend to feel shocked and confused when she first finds out.  Also, depending on how long you have kept your crossdressing hidden from her, she may feel angry that you did not tell her before, and hurt that you did not trust her enough to confide in her.  Often the hiding or lying is more painful for a woman to cope with than the knowledge that her partner is a crossdresser.  All that you can do about this is sincerely apologize and try to explain why you did not tell her before.  She may be able to understand that you did not tell her because you were afraid of losing her, and that you believed your desire to dress would go away.  Help her to understand that for most of your life this has been a very private part of you that you have kept secret from everyone.  She may still feel betrayed by your dishonesty, and she has a right to feel that way.  Listen to her and acknowledge her feelings.

Unfortunately, she may be so overwhelmed that she cannot sort out her thoughts or articulate what she is feeling.  Therefore, it may be helpful for you to be aware of some of the most common questions that women have when they learn their partner likes to wear women's clothes.  Familiarize yourself with them and be prepared to reassure her or at least discuss these issues honestly.

· Are you gay or bisexual?

· Do you want to become a woman?  Do you want breast implants or sex change surgery?

· Are you mentally ill?  Do you need to see a doctor?

· Are you going to try to stop?

· Is this some kind of kinky sex fetish?

· What will our neighbors/friends/employers/children think if they find out?

· Who can I talk to about this?  I feel so alone!

· Wearing women's clothes seems morally wrong to me.  Don't we share the same values?

· Aren't you satisfied with me?  What have I done wrong? Don't you find me desirable?

· Can we have ever a "normal" marriage/relationship again?

· Will I still get to spend time with the man I love?

· What will happen to us if I accept this? What will happen to us if I don't?

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© Marla Morley 2005