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Be patient in dealing with her concerns.  Allow her time to think, and do not press her for immediate acceptance.  If she does tell you that she understands and still loves you, tell her how much that means to you.  But do not overestimate her degree of acceptance based on her initial response.  There are many reasons why she may give you the impression that she is comfortable with your crossdressing when in fact she is not.  Perhaps she is concerned about you and does not want you to feel rejected.  Perhaps she is afraid of being rejected herself.  Perhaps she simply feels stunned and emotionally drained, and is looking for the easiest way to end the conversation without getting into an argument.  Delayed reactions are very common. 

Until some time has passed and you are sure of her true feelings, it is not a good idea to move forward.  Don't dress in front of her, or even show her pictures, until she tells you she is ready for that.  Don't start buying new clothes, wigs, and makeup either.  At this crucial point in your relationship, it is best to put your dressing on hold as much as possible while she comes to terms with it.  A little patience will go a long way in avoiding the "backlash" that sometimes follows initial acceptance.  Usually this backlash is caused by moving too quickly, before your partner has even begun to cope with her feelings.

It is very important for you to reassure your partner that you have not changed and that you are still the same person she knows and loves.  She also needs to hear that your relationship is not endangered by your dressing and that you have no plans to leave her.  However, you should be clear about the fact that you cannot give this up.  It is not a mere hobby that you can choose to pursue or not.  There is no "cure" for crossdressing, and the sooner she realizes this, the sooner she can begin to make peace with it.  Many women retreat into a state of denial about their partner's crossdressing and spend the rest of their lives trying to wish it away or simply demand that it stop. They think that if they refuse to tolerate it, it will disappear.  This attitude is a tremendous barrier to progress for couples.

If you have the opportunity to do so, you should try to make your partner aware of the positive aspects of your crossdressing, whatever those may be for you.  Help her to understand that many of your best qualities reside with to your feminine side--qualities such as sensitivity, tenderness, empathy, helpfulness, and patience.  Make sure she knows that expressing your femininity makes you feel relaxed, happy, and fulfilled, while suppressing it causes stress, anxiety, and irritability. 

For most women, it is easier to accept partial crossdressing than a full transformation. Wearing a few items of clothing is one thing, but looking like a woman is something else entirely and may be frightening and uncomfortable for her. Be understanding of this and plan on taking small steps when introducing your partner to your femme self.  Lingerie is often perceived as less threatening than outer clothing, but if you choose to wear a complete outfit, choose a tasteful one.  Avoid appearing in front of your partner in clothing that is too sexually provocative or presents a degrading image of femininity.  Among the most difficult things for women to accept are breast forms, wigs, and makeup, so be sensitive and ask your partner whether she feels ready to see you in them.

Although it is not a good idea to go into the discussion with preconceived idea of what will be accomplished, you should nevertheless be prepared to talk about limits and boundaries if she suggests them.  Try not to argue over the limits that she insists on at this stage.  If what she is willing to accept is less than what you need or had hoped for, there will be time for negotiation later.  Her boundaries will probably shift over time as she learns more and becomes more comfortable with your dressing.  For now, do your best to honor any wishes she may express.  If she doesn't want to see you dressed, fine.  If she doesn't want you leaving the house dressed, fine.  If she can accept certain items of clothing but not others, at least that's a start.  Thank her for any degree of acceptance she shows you.  Tell her how much you love her and how very relieved you are that you no longer have to hide your true self.  Full acceptance does not usually come overnight, but telling your partner about your crossdressing in a loving and sensitive way is the first step toward that goal.

© Marla Morley 2005