"I don't understand my wife.  She seemed okay with this after I told her, but now she gets upset whenever I mention it.  What's going on with her?"  As many crossdressers have discovered, a wife's or girlfriend's road to acceptance is rarely smooth.  There are often rough patches, detours, and even U-turns to contend with along the way.  Understanding why these occur, and what you can do to help her through them, may make the journey easier for both of you.

The first thing you need to understand is that for all but a tiny minority of women, finding out about your crossdressing is a traumatic experience.  The degree of perceived trauma varies considerably from one woman to the next and depends on many factors, including her upbringing, her values, the strength of your relationship, and the circumstances surrounding her initial discovery.  Some women seem to take the news in stride, while others are completely devastated, but for nearly all of them there is some emotional work that needs to be done before true acceptance can take place.  This work is commonly known as coping.  Any time there is change in our lives, there is potentially a sense a loss, and coping is the process of dealing with that loss and adjusting to the new situation.

"But what has she lost?" You ask.  "Nothing has changed.  I am still exactly the same person as before."  From your point of view, of course, you are absolutely correct.  But from her point of view, everything is different now.  Her image of you, her expectations of the relationship, and her vision of the future all must be reevaluated in light of this new information. The loss that she has experienced is very real to her--the loss of the man she thought she knew.  Coping with loss takes time, and while the process is different for each woman, there are several stages that typically occur.  This is the model that therapists refer to as "The 5 Stages of Grief," and it can be used to describe an individual's adjustment to any significant life change.

DENIAL - My husband is not a real crossdresser.  This is just a silly phase he's going through.  If I ignore it, or refuse to tolerate it, it will go away.
ANGER - How could you do this to me? You obviously don't give a damn about our family!
BARGAINING - There must be a cure for this.  You just need to find a good therapist, or start a new hobby, or get a different job, or have sex with me more often.  I'll do anything if you just stop!
DEPRESSION -  Go ahead and do whatever you want.  I don't care anymore.  What's the use?
ACCEPTANCE - I realize now that this is a part of you.  I won't try to change who you are.  Let's work together to find a solution that is acceptable to both of us, so that we can get on with our life together.

These stages are rarely experienced in a neat sequence; rather, they tend to merge and overlap with one another.  Each stage may last for any length of time, from minutes to years.  Moreover, the process is recursive, meaning that a stage may be repeated several times before it is resolved.  This partly explains why a woman might seem accepting one day, and angry the next.  She is coping with pain and loss in an entirely normal way.  It is not fair to expect her emotions to remain stable, not is it healthy for her to repress them.  The best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open between you, and ask her frequently how she is feeling.  Just because she seemed to tolerate your crossdressing--or even enjoy it--last week, there is no guarantee that her response will be the same this week. 

What causes these sudden shifts, and what can you do to help her work through them?  As it happens, there are many circumstances that can trigger a step backwards from acceptance to one of the earlier stages.  Here are a few common scenarios.

1. Her acceptance may not have been genuine in the first place.  When a woman first finds out about her partner's crossdressing, she is often in shock.  Rather than dealing with her own feelings, her first instinct may be to comfort you and offer reassurance.  She may fear that reacting in a negative way will make you feel rejected, and she may also fear being rejected herself. Perhaps she wants to avoid an argument, or perhaps she is so overwhelmed that she simply does not know what to say, so she tells you that everything is all right.  Eventually, after she has had time to think things through, her true emotions will begin to emerge.  That is why you should always move slowly after breaking the news to her, no matter how well she seems to take it.  Allow a "cooling off" period before you start moving your things into the closet or wearing nighties to bed.  Introduce her to your femme side a little at a time, be attentive to her signals, and be willing to back off if she shows signs of discomfort.

2. She may accept your crossdressing at the intellectual level, but not at the emotional level.  If her personal values include being non-judgmental and tolerant of others, she will quickly acknowledge that there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to wear women's clothes.  She will understand that this behavior is harmless and quite common.  But regardless of what her thoughts are, her feelings will proceed at their own pace.  It is one thing to accept the concept of crossdressing, but it is something else entirely to see your husband in a dress.  This gap between intellectual and emotional acceptance can be as confusing for her as it is for you.  Be patient.  If she is well-informed about crossdressing and her beliefs are in the right place, her emotions will follow--eventually. 

3. She may feel that the terms she initially agreed to are being changed.  Perhaps she was tolerant of you wearing panties under your male clothes, but recently you have begun wearing skirts and heels around the house, and that is more than she can handle.  Each time your crossdressing escalates, new boundaries have to be negotiated.  If you do not check with her first, she will feel as though you are moving the goal posts, and whatever approval she offered before may be withdrawn.  Moving forward before she is ready will cause her to feel that the situation is out of control, and an unpleasant backlash will most likely result.  There is no sure way to predict how each new step will affect her; some women are comfortable with nightwear but not nail polish, others are fine with pantyhose but not bras, and a great many are okay with clothing, but not wigs and makeup.  The only way to avoid violating her boundaries is to talk to her about them, and listen to what she tells you.  By resisting the urge to charge full speed ahead, you are doing your part to facilitate her eventual acceptance.

4. Her feelings about your crossdressing may fluctuate according to how she feels about herself.  The more confident and self-assured a woman is, the less likely she is to feel threatened by her partner's feminine side.  But no woman feels good about herself all the time.  A woman's emotional resilience can vary wildly with the circumstances she finds herself in.  A fight with her mother, a conflict with her boss, an insensitive comment from a co-worker, or even a bad hair day can temporarily make her feel insecure.  When she is in this frame of mind, she may become overly sensitive to things that previously did not bother her, and old fears that were seemingly resolved may come back to haunt her.  Where your crossdressing is concerned, she may find that she is suddenly uncomfortable with aspects of it that were acceptable before. This is not the time to remind her that she had no problem with this same thing the last time you did it.  Instead, try to find out why she feels differently now.  It could be that she just needs some reassurance from you.  After her mood improves, chances are that her former feelings will return.

As you can see, acceptance is not a straightforward progression for most women.  The process can be likened to the movement of a pendulum, swinging back and forth.  Instead of seeing these swings as setbacks, I encourage you to see them as signs of growth and progress.  It may take months or even years before the pendulum stops swinging, but with your support, your partner will ultimately work through these stages and resolve her painful emotions.  Life will never be the same as it was before, but you know what?  It could be even better!

© Marla Morley 2005