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Help and support for the transgender community

Meeting Barbara

One morning, after 17 years of marriage, I found my husband trying on some women's clothing. I laughed a bit hysterically and asked him what he was doing. He answered me, very shakily, and a little bit tearfully, saying, 'this is who I am'.

He had been meaning to tell me all these years! In fact, he had been cross-dressing before we met. When we met he decided he was going to stop and put his women's clothes in the keeping of a friend in a local support group. I had not had the faintest idea! I remember saying, 'You're still the man I married.', and he answered, 'That's true', and then I added, 'For goodness sake, we're over 60! We can work this out.'

After that, he collected his women's clothes and the support group, it seems, were delighted to hear of my reaction. In fact, it was not so simple; I was shaken to the roots. I thought of how miserably little boys dressed when I was little; grey short trousers, side partings and even, sometimes Brylcream to slick down their hair. I remember going to see a one-act play of Marlene Dietrich's life and thought that she could get away with cross-dressing just because she was a woman.

Why, I wondered, didn't it work the other way around? Barbara, as I shall call her, went on line for all sorts of articles about cross-dressers, many from the Beaumont Society's web site and aimed at partners, like me. I did find these helpful but still woke up every morning wishing this would go away. It was really our first weekend with the Society, organised, as ever, by Janett Scott, that I began to feel better about it. It was such a relief to find most people were perfectly normal! Since then, we've gone to such a weekend about twice a year and we have had a good time and made many good friends. There was seldom a time, however, when I talked with other women about how they coped. Somehow it was all about the 'men'. Barbara started up a local group and I found myself asking one or two of the cross-dressers how they had felt before 'coming out' to their wives. I found that each of them had felt enormous tension.

I realised where the puzzling, prolonged moods which my husband had sometimes had originated; it was, as I explain it simply to myself, 'Barbara needing to come out'. I have been very fortunate, in that the cross-dressing is not, 'in my face', thanks to my husband's sensitivity to my reactions. We tried him wearing a nightie in bed just once; I couldn't bear it and didn't need to say so. I really hate the heavy make-up, too; very un-kissable but necessary, I realised. I am convinced that it is vital to be honest with one another.

There certainly can be life after 'coming out', with patience, sometimes firmness and understanding.

 

Would you like to join us?

Beaumont Partners is a volunteer organisation, run exclusively by women, for women. We aim to improve the emotional wellbeing of women who are experiencing issues as a result of discovering that their partners are transgender.

If you're a woman with experience of living with someone who's transgender and are willing to share your personal experience to the benefit of others, we'd love to hear from you - why not drop us an email at orchidbp@virginmedia.com

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